All · Dishing Up Some Humor

My Facebook Profile Is Fake

facebooksocialadsYou know the old phrase “Keeping Up With The Jones'” where you can never live up to your neighbor as you go through life. Well I would like to formally announce something:

My Facebook Profile Is Fake.

Ok, it’s not really fake, but as I look back on it, I look like I have a pretty sweet life. Only amazing food photos are shown, only sweet adorable kid pictures are allowed on the timeline, and nothing and I mean NOTHING bad ever happens to me.

But that is simply not true. As I look through my profile, and the profile of my friends, I am continually reminded that I am not living up to my potential. I look at my friends, they are traveling the world, they are seeing amazing things, they have perfectly planned days, oodles of time off to do whatever they want, their children never seem to act up and their hair is always brushed. I’m also assuming they are multi-millionaires to afford luxury daily.

I am here to admit that I am not keeping up with the Facebook Jones’.

I may be crazy to do this, but here is my actual life…real totally real life in a nutshell.

First of all I want everyone to know, I work full time, and I am a mom, a bill payer, a writer, a cook, a runner, a maid, and a wife. My husband and I have one child. Seriously, I have no idea how those of you who have more than one do it, one is crazy enough.

According to Facebook, we attend every single event that our child asks us to, we coordinate a million playdates, and we have unique and fun ways to engage and encourage learning in our child. In all reality, I feel like a failing cruise ship director in this part of my life. I am constantly looking for new and different entertainment for our daughter, someone new, something new, really just something or someone to take 5 minutes off my hands so I can for once do something on my to do list. I know, that’s horrible to say, I’m constantly bombarded with visions of amazing motherhood and I am supposed to treasure every single moment of my daughters life and make her cakes for her quarter birthday celebrations, and have days expertly planned out to maximize education opportunities. If I don’t do this I’m failing. I’m here to tell you, I’m failing.

The moment I get up, I hear “can someone play today?” Then I spend hours, HOURS, trying to coordinate friends to play with, or an event to go to where friends might be. The cruise ship director work begins. I have to text, call, coordinate, plan and execute play dates. Some of you without kids will tell me “What’s the big deal, I used to go outside and there were always a ton of kids to play with.” And this may have been true, but in this world, you don’t just kick your 7 year old out of the house, even if you want to (and trust me…as great as she is, sometimes I want to). Even if I did send her outside and didn’t have any worry of some sicko stealing her, we have to contend with all the other kids’ events, there is soccer, football, art class, running club, horse back riding lessons, all of which keep other kids very very busy, and we must coordinate around that.

So my dear sweet child, you want to play with that one specific friend today? Well you can’t because she has horseback riding lessons, followed by swim team, and then finally she’s making dinner for her family from scratch using her skills learned form her cooking class.

See how amazing these parents are? I’m a super crappy mom…my child gets free time to be a kid and to run around and make mistakes, and play…after she cleans her room, feeds her fish, helps us pick up dog poop and helps clean the house. I have never posted pictures of us picking up dog poop on Facebook.

I am also admitting that there is something disgusting in my pantry. It smells. I open it, and I smell something. It’s not pungent enough for me to gag, but it’s definitely something. Our daughter says our pantry smells like feet, and she’s right. Just yesterday, I threw away an entire pack of tortillas because the ENTIRE PACKAGE was green with mold. Yes, I bought a package of tortillas, tucked it in the pantry, and piled enough stuff on top of it that it had enough time not only to get moldy, but for ALL of it to get moldy. The package was never opened.

I thought I had found the source of the smell. I was wrong.

Once, I found an entire bag of potatoes all of them with stems growing out of them. These potatoes were behind another bag of potatoes that I had bought 2 weeks ago because I didn’t think we had potatoes. So now I have 2 bags of potatoes both going bad, and one with enough stems to be legs and I swear they will walk out of here on their own because of the smell in the pantry. I have never posted a picture of my Potatoes with legs.

I am also truly, overwhelmingly disorganized. Ask my husband, he will confirm this. First of all, I believe if something is in a closet, and that closet door can shut, there is absolutely no reason to organize it. Our front closet is a perfect example of this. There are about 40 pairs of shoes in this closet,and they are all mine and our daughters. There are shoes that don’t fit our daughter anymore, and there are even single shoes in there. Shoes I will never wear again,piled under other shoes that don’t fit. There are so many shoes that our shoes that we actually wear are outside of the closet because they don’t fit in the closet. It looks like the shoes are walking out of the closet in protest of not living in such a sham of a closet.

I clean this closet out once every other year, right before my husband’s entire family comes over for our annual Christmas Celebration. I only do it once every other year, because that’s as often as we host it.

I also can’t seem to pay my water bill on time, ever. Seriously, I don’t know what happens to this bill, it comes in, I see it, I think I pay it, and then it’s gone. The problem with this is our lovely city does not send you a nice reminder in the mail. They come to your house and post the flyer of shame on your door. If you don’t pay us in 2 weeks, we’ll shut your water off. Seriously they give me a Neon Yellow Door Hanger, that someone had to drive to give to us to tell us we owe them in TWO WEEKS!!!! A stamp sounds much less costly.

Then the shame comes, who saw the flyer, it’s the public shaming showing our entire neighborhood world that I misplaced the bill in some pile on my desk. I pay the bill and the water is never shut off, but that’s not the point. We’re the house that gets the flyer.

Speaking of my desk. Desks have drawers and mine are packed full of crap. So much so that I have no more room for anything so now everything our daughter does and creates is now piling on top of the desk. If you’re looking for anything in our house, check the piles (yes that is plural) first. I have friends post these amazing photos of their scrap books, and how they keep every treasured piece of paper their children ever wrote on as documentation of their growth. Our daughters treasures are jammed in a drawer, or in a pile. Some day I will get to it, right? And the water bill is stuck in there somewhere too.

Finally, we watch too much TV. Saturday mornings are sacred and we watch tons of cartoons. Other folks are out and about enjoying the world, and making contributions to society, and we are still in our robes at 10am on Saturday, making our 3rd pot of coffee and gearing up to clean the house.

I have seen all these studies professing that you should only watch one hour of TV a day, that is not a rule in our house. In fact right now, as I write, we are on our umpteenth Woody Woodpecker Video and I’m not complaining because it buys me time to write. I’m a horrible mother…I should be providing wonderful opportunities for our daughter to experience life to the fullest, and I’m allowing her to learn life lessons from a bird who annoys humans for a living.

I have never posted a picture of me in my robe, drinking coffee with my bed head hair watching TV and starving because I’m too lazy to walk upstairs and make some food.

So I’m calling all humans to start putting real stuff on Facebook, maybe just once to make sure you are real, and human. Nobody is perfect, but according to my Facebook newsfeed, every person I know is way more perfect than I am, even me.

Let’s be real, life is messy, we get neon flyers on our door, and food turns green. It’s ok. You are not failing in life just because you didn’t plan a trip out of the country this year because funds are tight.

I am here to tell you (and me) that we are ok. We are good parents, good coworkers and good people. No matter how stinky that pantry gets, it’s ok. Your children will not grow up to be delinquents if they watch too much Woody Woodpecker, and eating Oreos for breakfast is ok every once in a while.

I am not failing, and if you’re anything like me, neither are you. Keep trucking Dishers, you’re doing a great job (and so are you Dani…you’re ok too….now go get dressed.)

3 thoughts on “My Facebook Profile Is Fake

  1. I know what you mean! Mine could be called “the best of Steph” the way I vigilantly delete bad photos and only upload “non double chin” ones. I also try to be careful with statuses, especially when I’m really struggling with something – so happy, happy ones. It’s interesting how we feel the need to paint this picture of happiness and success at all times.

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